When I'm gone
by Moonlightsky31
Summary: rated since this is about paige's experience with rape. Who will she turn to? Everything that happened afterwards is my story. This is what I believe should have happened. Chapter 2 up! R&R!
1. Recalling the crime

When I'm gone  
  
By: Jess Pete  
  
Before I start the story I want to start this off. This is a very serious topic that I'm writing about, and those of you that find what I'm writing about funny should honestly go to hell because they have no heart. What happened to Paige in Degrassi is a very serious issue and is not to be taken lightly. If you know anyone that this has happened to, make sure they seek help, or find someone to talk to. If this happened to you, you can always talk to me about it. Talking helps people, let it out. Not to everyone, but find someone you can trust. I hope you all enjoy this. I don't own degrassi... some characters will eventually show that are my characters, but for now, nothing belongs to me! Most of the story line doesn't either.  
  
Chapter 1: Recalling the crime  
  
"What are you looking at?" I said to him, I saw him gazing at me.  
  
"Your eyes... are they blue or green?" Dean said. Dean... so perfect. I never thought that a guy like him would ever ask me about my eyes.  
  
"It depends on the light." I said, smiling at him.  
  
"They are the most amazing colored eyes I've ever seen. You're very beautiful." He said to me. I smiled, and we locked in a gaze. We just looked at each other for a while, gazing into each others eyes. It was perfect. My shoes, my hair, my outfit. I looked totally delicious that night. I made a point, and I caught his eye. What can I say? I'm absolutely perfect! Suddenly, I felt someone tag down on me. It was Hazel.  
  
"Paige... Spinner and Jimmy are here." she said to me. "We better go."  
  
"Not yet... I am this close." I said. No, they're not going to get in my way of getting Dean's number and seeing him again. Nothing will. He will be mine. I turned around to Dean, looking at him.  
  
"Dean... um... it's so loud out here. Wanna maybe go someplace a little more... private?" He smiled at me, taking my hand as we walked back in the house. We swerved our way through the crowd, as he wrapped his arm around my waist.  
  
"You are so cute." He whispered into my ear, as I laughed. We walked past everyone, finally. I thought that everyone was looking at us... Good. I can't believe it. I am here... with Dean... DEAN! I was exploding inside, so full of eagerness, and excitement. "I think my friend's room will be... private." He said, as I followed him up the stairs, as we walked into a room. I reached out for the light switch, but he took my hand, pressing it back down on the light switch, turning the lights back off. "I like it dark." He said to me.  
  
"But I can't see anything!" I said, bubbly.  
  
"Here's my friend's bed, here's the door, and here's the party." He whispered to me.  
  
"Why are we whispering?" I whispered back to him.  
  
"Because my friends are neanderthals, ok?" He said.  
  
"Ok" I replied back, happily. Suddenly, I felt him move closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, as he kissed me lightly, his lips caressing mine. Then he pulled back a little bit.  
  
"You are so adorable." He told me, looking into my eyes. His eyes were beautiful, dark, mysterious, a new path to take... something new for me to explore.  
  
"I am?" I said, knowing that I was and being completely modest.  
  
"Oh yea." He said, with that, we kissed again, falling to the bed, kissing more. I felt myself stop for a minute, and he looked at me. "Is this ok?"  
  
"No..." I started... then I said to myself... what am I saying? I want you holding me... a little kissing won't do anything but make him want me more. Be stern, show him that I'm in charge. "Yes..." I whimpered out, giving into the urge to have him in my arms. Then, he kissed me more passionately, putting all his force on me. "Just take it slow, Ok?" I said, as he just pushed on me more and more. "Dean! I said slow!" He finally sat up, his legs still on me. He reached into his pocket, as I looked at him. "What are you doing?" He took out a tiny bag from his pocket, a side that was white, the other side clear, which held a small rubber tube... a condom... Oh... no... I thought to myself. Ok, stay calm... don't let him see your fear, ok? "I don't think so!" I said, sternly. He didn't care... he pushed me back on the bed. "Dean, stop... I said no... please... dean... stop." He pushed me down harder on the bed this time, as he took my shirt off and threw it to the floor. He unhooked my bra and looked at my bare naked top. "Dean, get away from me." I tried kicking him, but then he pushed me down again, this time taking a knife out of his pocket. He lifted the knife to my chest, making a mark in between my two breasts. He made the shape of a "D", as he then kissed it, blood covering his lips.  
  
"Now, that's what I like."  
  
"You're a psycho!"  
  
"I'm not crazy, you hear me?" He said, as he finally took off his pants completely. "You like this, don't you? Isn't this what you wanted? This is exactly what you wanted. We're having fun, so you should just enjoy it spirit."  
  
"This is not fun, Dean, please... I'm begging you... don't do this to me."  
  
It was too late. He hit me where it hurt. He entered me, and it hurt so bad. I felt pain rushing throughout the bottom of my body, I screeched a little bit, until he took a bandana he had in his pocket, and covered my mouth with it.  
  
"Are you trying to get us caught, you little witch?" He said, as he slapped me in the face. I felt myself crying... this isn't what I wanted... I didn't want to get further than maybe making out... oh god... please help me... save me from this... pain... I saw silvery sparks throughout my eyes, as my final thought before I felt it was over...  
  
This is what I deserved...  
  
I woke up, looking at a clock... Oh shit... it's midnight... I looked next to me, and there was nothing... he was gone. That jerk wasn't here anymore. Go figure... that's like a male... he gets what he wants and then leave, taking everything he's had away from me... leaving me alone in the cold of this room. I grabbed my shirt, and put it back on, understanding why I was so cold. I checked my skirt, everything seemed ok. I walked into the bathroom, the next door from the room I was in, and looked at myself in the mirror. All I could do was ask myself 3 questions. Why did my dream suddenly become a nightmare? Why did I let him do this to me? And the final question was this: Was that worth being with Dean for one night? I looked harder into the mirror, my make up smeared, my hair frizzed, my face red, my shirt had a blood stain on it from the "D" now written across me... claimed... as though I was his property or something... as if he marked his territory... ew... gross. But I know the answers to my questions. My dream went bad because I had to act like a slut and be left alone with him. If I wouldn't have asked him to come upstairs, this would have never happened. I let him do it to me because I was weak, and because he wouldn't let me go. Was it worth it? That's the one question I know for sure is 100% true. It wasn't worth it. Going through that wasn't worth it for any guy... ever.  
  
I grabbed my cell phone, looking at the phone list. I highlighted my brother, Dylan's name, hoping maybe he would answer his cell. It rang once... rang twice... come on... pick up the phone. "Hello?" A voice said.  
  
"Dylan... Hazel ditched me and I've been spending the past hour of this party trying to find her... can you come pick me up right now?"  
  
"Sure, I'll be there in 10 minutes." He said, hanging up the phone. He brought us here, so I guess he remembers where it is. Out of all things I thought I'd hear in my head, I heard this one song that I always heard in my brother's room.  
  
Will I lose my dignity  
  
Will someone care  
  
Will I wake tomorrow  
  
From this nightmare  
  
Those lyrics were from a song from his favorite musical, "Rent." I've never seen the musical before, but above that song, I hear his voice again... repeatedly.  
  
"You are so adorable."  
  
"I am?"  
  
"You are so adorable."  
  
"I am?"  
  
Get out of my head! Go away, leave me alone! Tears started running down my face, I couldn't control it. I wiped them as I saw my brother's car come. "Paige, are you ok? You look... different."  
  
"I'm find Dylan. I tripped and fell and cut myself a little bit. Lets go."  
  
Yea... I fell alright... I fell for him, and that cut me a lot..  
  
I walked in the door and went in the bathroom, taking a quick shower, seeing the "D" on my chest. It was scabbed, and I knew not to pick at it or else it would be there forever.   
  
Crashhhh  
  
What was that? I heard something... I turned around, looking around... WHERE IS HE? WHY IS HE FOLLOWING ME? GO AWAY! Please... leave me alone. I grabbed my towel, even if the water was still running in the bathroom. I wrapped the towel around my body, opening the door. There was a figure standing outside the door. It's him... it's him... go away... please leave me alone. Can't you leave me alone for one second? "WHO'S THERE?"  
  
"It's me... what do you think?" I heard a voice... the only voice I heard was Dean.  
  
"Stay back... you're not welcomed here Dean... go away!"  
  
"Dean? Who is Dean? I know that sounds close to Dylan... the D and all sis, but I think you're starting to lose it. So much for a 'Thank you for picking me up and saving my life,' kind of thing."  
  
"Right. Ok. Thank you Dylan." I grabbed my pajamas and ran into my room, closing the door, locking it, and putting all my body weight against it. I fell to the floor in tears, cold, shivering. I grabbed my blanket, and fell asleep there in front of the door. If I sit here, he can't come in. The window is closed and locked. He can't get me... he'll never get me again... I won't let him... 


	2. Secret Spot

Chapter 2  
  
I walked into the washroom at the school, and I was in my blue spirit squad outfit. I put down had put down my pom-poms and put on the water. Suddenly, I looked up in the mirror while my hand was full of water that was about to have a date with my face, I saw... him. I saw his reflection. His deep eyes, with his muscular body. He was wearing his soccer uniform, he looked the exact way I saw him when I laid eyes on him for the very first time.  
"Hey Spirit." He said, as if I was a joke or some story he went around telling everyone I was... I'm such a slut... how could I have let him find me?  
"Dean," I said calmly. "What are you doing in the girl's washroom?"  
"I just thought I'd say hi," He said, as he inched his way closer  
"Okay." I stammered out, trying to sound as confident as I could. I can't show him my weakness... I can't let anyone see that I'm weak.  
"Relax," he said, smoothly. "We had a good time at that party together, didn't we?"  
"Dean. . . you-." I was going to hurl... how could he say that? A good time? That was the biggest lie that anyone has ever told me in my life.  
"I what? I didn't do anything. I had a good time, just like you did."  
"It wasn't fun... I don't know what it was, but all I know is that...  
"...is that you wanted it." He said, continued. "You asked for it... I can specifically remember you saying yes." He put his hands on me, as I felt myself drop to the floor... I felt myself lying there, helpless again. I opened my eyes, seeing him looking at me, with those evil eyes again, as suddenly, he took his foot, about to kick me as if I was that soccer ball out on the field.  
  
Suddenly, I felt a burst of pain against my back. "PAIGE! WAKE UP!" a feminine voice said. I forgot that I fell asleep on the door, completely naked again, wrapping myself with blankets. I stood up, as I peeked out the door.  
"I'm up mom." She said, looking at her mother.  
"Ready for breakfast?"  
"I'm not hungry." I said, "But I could go for some Advil if that's ok... I think I bumped myself pretty hard in the head last night..."  
"Yes... Dylan told me you fell and tripped... must have hit your head."  
"Yea... that's it." I said, completely lying. I knew that it was a hangover.  
"Well, you have to eat something with it... a piece of toast, something."  
"Toast is fine. I'll be down in a minute." I said, closing the door. I walked over to my dresser and grabbed a pair of pink pajama pants and a black tank top, and opened the door, walking down to my kitchen. She felt herself wobbling, and she couldn't control it, but she was feeling dizzy and confused too. Then she felt pain near her chest as she was moving. She touched where the pain was, as she felt such pain. She took in a deep breath quickly, holding it, trying not to pay attention to the pain. She walked into the kitchen, as a piece of toast was on the table for her, with a glass of orange juice and two Advil. My mom walked into the kitchen as I sat down, looking at the toast, not sure wether or not I should eat it.  
"Are you alright sweetie?" She said, as she put her hand on my head as if to check my temperature.  
"Yes." I said. She looked at me funny, giving me a look like 'Did u just say 'Yes' as apposed to the usual 'yea'.' Well, anyway, I didn't care. I turned down to it, and took a small bite of the toast, as I felt like I was going to throw up. I covered my mouth and I took the orange juice and took a quick drink of it, swallowing it, making sure I wasn't going to throw up. Then I reached for the Advil, my mom stopped my hand.  
"Honey, you got to eat more than that or else it won't take it's full effect on you."  
"I had enough last night, I bet half of it is still in my body. I'll be fine! There's nothing wrong, it's just a headache. I just want something to speed it up! Geeze!" I said, coldly, grabbing my glass and the Advil, and walking back to my room. Why is everyone on my case? I got what I deserved, everyone should just deal with the fact that it's not a big deal and just learn to leave me alone!  
"Paige, what's wrong? You're not your usual self?" I heard my mom say, as she was walking up the stairs. I ran to my door, locking the door, sitting on the floor, putting on a pair of grey sweat pants and a baby pink spaghetti strapped shirt as I walked over to my window. I opened it up, as I heard my mom try to open the door. "Paige, I know that something is wrong... did I do something? Is it because I met someone? Please... tell me." I stood there, as I unlocked my window. "Paige, I understand that this is a stressful time for you..." Ha you don't know the half of it, you never will. I began to climb out the window. "... but I want you to know... if there is anything I can do at all to help, please tell me. I'm going downstairs... if you want to talk I'm just a walk away." I looked at the door, ignoring it. She's lying to me. She doesn't care. That's why she left dad, because she doesn't care that she can go cheat on him. She's a slut, no wonder where I get it from. I climbed out the window, onto the top of the house. Then I climbed down a tree to the bottom of the house. I started running, running away. I didn't know where I was going to go, but I couldn't stay in the house. I'll be home later.  
  
I walked to the park around my house, my old elementary school. She thought of Spinner, and all the times they shared there.

_"Hey Paige, you want to be my girlfriend?" He spoke. He's so tiny, this small body with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He seemed so perfect at the time.  
"Yea Gavin! That's so cool!" I said, laughing my little girl laugh. We were in the 2nd grade, as we snuck away from everyone during recess. We hid under a bush, as we both opened our lunch boxes.  
"I got grapes... eww..." Spinner said, having a puss on his face.  
"You don't like grapes? I love grapes!" I looked in my lunch box seeing cherries... ew... I hate cherries...  
"Let me guess, Paige, you don't like cherries?" He said, laughing in his before puberty voice. It was so high pitch, and it was so funny. "Wanna trade?"  
"Sure, got anything else good?" We searched through each others lunch boxes, trying to find something else to eat. We swapped lunch meats, we switched drinks, we even switched lunch boxes!  
"Paige... this is our secret spot. Lets not tell anyone about this, ok?"  
"I agree completely." I said, and being a total child, I looked at him too. "You got to promise me something too."  
"Sure, what is it?"  
"That when we're older, even if we stop talking, that we'll always be there for each other."  
"I promise you that." He looked at me, and gave me a peck on the cheek, and looked at me and completely blushed, and then we started beating around the bushes, making it a lot bigger for us.  
_  
I crawled under the bush, seeing all the work me and spinner put into this place. It was like a special home for us, except I was a lot smaller last time I was in here. I felt safe here, I don't know why, but I wish that Spinner was here with me. I could use someone to cry one right now... Oh my god... why am I thinking about this? He doesn't like me anymore... I've become a slut. He wouldn't want a slut. Plus, I ditched him because my hormones were running. If he ever finds out that I did what I did... he'll never talk to me again... nobody will. They'll just think I'm just another slut. Wait a sec, they already know that.  
I looked around, and I saw a piece of a mirror. I picked it up, and it had a little bit of marker on it. I remembered this clearly. This was from the last time me and spinner were here. It was grade 5, right before elementary school graduation.

_"How do I look Gavin?" I said, looking in my mirror.  
"Fine Paige, but please just listen to me." I kept looking in my mirror, barely paying any attention to him. He grabbed my hand and pushed the mirror out of my hand and it fell to the ground, breaking.  
"What is wrong with you Gavin?" I said, looking concerned.  
"Paige... what if we stop talking after this summer?"  
"Oh Gavin, that'll never happen!"  
"How do you know that?"  
"Well... because we promised each other that we wouldn't, remember?"  
"But still..."  
"Listen Gavin, I don't care what people say. You're my friend and nothing will get in the way, ok?" He smiled, and he took my hand as we went off to our graduation.  
_  
I held the broken mirror in my hand, looking at the edges. They were rusty, I could only imagine considering it was about 3 years ago, 3 ½ most. Suddenly, I heard a crumple in the bushes... someone was coming! But who knows that I'm here... how did he find me? How can Dean find me... oh please say he isn't there... I... don't want to be hurt again. I closed my eyes, put myself in a ball and cried, as I felt someone's hand touch me.  
"I thought you might be here." The voice said.  
"What do you want from me, Dean." I said, trying to stay as collective as I could.  
"Dean?" He said, as I raised my head up. It was spinner. Oh shit... I'm in trouble.  
"Oh... hey spin..."  
"Why would Dean try to find you..." He stopped for a moment...  
"What are you doing here, spin?"  
"I was wondering how's your grandma doing?"  
"What?" I said, not sure what he was talking about.  
"You know, your grandma. The one who was sick on Saturday night.?  
"Oh... she's fine." I said.  
"Yea, I know. Your brother Dylan told me that when he picked up your cell phone. I tried calling to check up on you, but did you answer, no. He told me that one of your grandma's live in florida, and your other one is already dead. Then he told me that you weren't in your room anymore, and he asked me to go and find you. So now everything makes sense. You ditched me last night to go party with Dean."  
I looked at him, my eyes were swollen. "Spinner... please it's not what you think."  
"What? What do you think I think?" He said. "What happened Paige... I think you owe it to me to tell me that much." He said, waiting for an answer from me. I couldn't say nothing happened... he was my friend, and I couldn't lie to him... but I couldn't tell him the truth. He'd never believe me in a million years. "That's what I thought..." He said, as he started crawling out. "So lemme guess... you were taking him here to have another night of fun, huh. Taking him to our secret spot."  
"It's not like that!" I screamed, trying as much as I could to hold back tears.  
"Whatever, bye." He was gone... forever. So much for the promises we made so long ago... then again, we were children... What would children know about life? Obviously nothing with this. I would have never guessed that this would happen.   
That I'd have sex by grade nine. That I'd be a **slut **by grade 9.


End file.
